Coaxing affection from a reluctant partner

MY partner and I come from different backgrounds; mine is very family-orientated, very loving and caring about each other. Although my partner's family is very kind, loving and caring, it’s not in a way like mine.

We have been having a few issues lately. I am concerned about our love and affection for each other. I want more love and affection, for example in public holding hands, at home just cuddling on the lounge and what not. I have spoken to my partner about how I feel but he is struggling to show me this affection. Although I love him dearly, I know if we don’t get this balance right, it may affect our relationship.

My partner has been trying but I feel he really doesn’t know how to show his feelings. I was wondering if you have any ideas on how I can help him. He is the most kind-hearted person you would ever meet; he just needs a little help.

Answer this week by Dr Charmaine Saunders, a counsellor with 20 years experience in the field of personal development.

This is a clash of what I call “family styles”.

As with all differences between people, especially partners, tolerance and acceptance are required. I don't think that's what's bothering you. Your complaint is of a more emotional nature.

I too am a very affectionate person and I came from an extroverted, demonstrative family. But nearly all my life, I kept attracting partners who were not like that, causing me pain and frustration. I did a lot of work on myself and changed my pattern. Now I have a loving, cuddly partner.

I'm not suggesting you should change your guy or give up on him, simply that all change must begin with ourselves. You love this man for who he is and that includes his background. If he's basically shy, that explains his reticence to show love in public. It doesn't stop you doing it though. Don't wait to be given the things you want. Offer them willingly and hopefully, they will be returned.

The more you ask for love, the less likely you are to get it. Don't pressure or be demanding. Trust that your partner loves you whether he shows you or not. By all means, ask for little improvements but don't try to change him into what you need. As long as he's kind and trying to please you, be glad to have him.
 
Charmaine is a therapist, columnist, motivational speaker, lecturer, media commentator and author of six self-help books including her latest, `Winning Relationships'. She specialises in the areas of personal development, relationships, wellness, sexuality and positive life and she writes Q&A advice columns, blogs, books and feature articles that deal with the above topics. Charmaine also regularly appears on TV and radio. Find out more at www.charmainesaunders.com.