Falling out of love

AFTER a four-year relationship, my boyfriend says he loves me but he is not in love with me. He is a great person and I don’t want to give him up. The question is – do you think it’s possible for a man of 50 to have never been in love in his whole life? This is what he claims. Could he be confused about what love is?

Answer this week by Dr Charmaine Saunders, a counsellor with 20 years’ experience in the field of personal development.

The answer to both your questions is yes, yes, yes. It may be uncommon but it most certainly is possible. In fact, I am seeing a client at present who is 52 and he says exactly the same thing. My fellow wants to change this though.

Does yours? If he doesn’t, then you have to decide if this type of love is enough for you. I think we all need to get away from the idea certain types of love are better than others. It’s all love!

Still, you have a right to live your dream and if you feel you’re getting second-best, the honest and fair thing is to break up with him and open yourself up to finding the kind of love you want.

Whatever your guy’s issues are, they are his and you can’t change him. I’d say it’s highly probable he has an idealised view of love that prevents him giving himself totally or it could simply be that what he feels for you is not the romantic kind of love.

You don’t say your age but if you’re also around 50, you might want to opt for security and companionship over passion and romance as a lot of people are now doing but that’s a decision only you can make.

Charmaine is a therapist, columnist, motivational speaker, lecturer, media commentator and author of six self-help books including her latest, `Winning Relationships'. She specialises in the areas of personal development, relationships, wellness, sexuality and positive life and she writes Q&A advice columns, blogs, books and feature articles that deal with the above topics. Charmaine also regularly appears on TV and radio. Find out more at www.charmainesaunders.com.