Still in love, but the spark is gone

I LOVE my wife very much but as we get older, I find myself losing interest in her sexually. We’re in our 40s and I long for the beautiful young girl I married.

This sounds very cold and superficial, I know, but I can’t seem to help my thoughts. I look at her and see an overweight, greying woman. It’s not that I fancy anyone else but I can’t get turned on by my wife anymore. It’s obviously affecting other areas of our marriage and I don’t know what to do.

Answer this week by Dr Charmaine Saunders, a counsellor with 20 years experience in the field of personal development.

What confuses me about your letter is that you haven’t mentioned at any stage discussing this problem with your wife. If you are married, you need to communicate honestly about matters that concern you both.

For a start, how do you know that she doesn’t feel the same way about you? Are you the same young man she married? Of course not. If you have lost interest in a sexual relationship, your wife must sense something is wrong and is probably hurt and confused. I think honesty is the best way to heal this problem. You need to bring the excitement back into your relationship, do things differently, take a holiday together, laugh, have fun.

At least, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to try. There’s no reason why you have to get middle-age spread and grey hair just because you’re not 20 anymore. Buy your wife a nice outfit and pay for her to have a facial and new hairdo. That’ll be a start, anyway, and what you do after that is up to the two of you. If you really want things to improve, they can. 

Charmaine is a therapist, columnist, motivational speaker, lecturer, media commentator and author of six self-help books including her latest, `Winning Relationships'. She specialises in the areas of personal development, relationships, wellness, sexuality and positive life and she writes Q&A advice columns, blogs, books and feature articles that deal with the above topics. Charmaine also regularly appears on TV and radio. Find out more at www.charmainesaunders.com.