The evolution of etiquette

TURN off your mobile first, then you can worry about which fork to use. Our society is evolving quickly and if we don’t keep pace with the new rules of etiquette, we’re all going to end up ogres.

The National Academy of Etiquette in Cairns reports that Japan spends $900 million a year on etiquette training. Obviously this is a country of Mr and Mrs, sir and ma’am.

Australia’s great sense of egalitarianism, by contrast, may be eroding an important element of mutual consideration.

Danielle Lott, founder of Elite Etiquette Australia explains.

“When we’re introduced, a first-name basis is assumed,” she said. “We’re losing a bit of that respect. Some would argue that we’re all equal and we should all be on a first-name basis with each other, but using proper titles does show respect.

“Even though everything is a lot more casual these days, we still have to be polite. If we lose good manners then we’re not showing respect for other people.”

The trouble with technology

A gradual progression toward informality may have some negative ramifications on society but it rarely leaves us feeling insulted or uncomfortable. The accelerating impact of technology, however, can create some pretty unmannerly situations.

We’ve all seen that table in the restaurant where four people are all on their mobile phones. The irony of a communication gadget destroying our ability to communicate is all too easily suffered without the social structure of etiquette.

“Most people don’t have any idea at all of the etiquette with mobile phones,” Lott said, “how you should be using them and when you shouldn’t be using them.

“I hear a lot from people who work in shops and they’re quite offended by people chatting on the phone when they’re at the checkout,” she said. “They feel like they’re being treated as a servant, not of equal importance and that it’s quite rude.”

Andrew Mahony, director of Etiquette Training Australia, says we’ve been down this road before.

“Today, the problems with mobile phones are no different than in the sixties when phones had just started in general, mass communication in Australia,” he said.

“In other words, people become more reliant on phones and it keeps evolving the etiquette. Today’s problems are probably no different than 50 or 60 years ago; it’s just a matter of keeping more up to date with it.”

Mahony warns that modern behaviour problems stem not only from ignoring the new rules but also from forgetting the old ones.

“Everyone knows you should turn your phone off if you’re going to someone’s house for dinner,” he said, “but it’s the basic, olden day etiquette that’s being bypassed. How to sit down at a table and eat has nothing to do with mobile phones.”

Putting your best fork forward

Table etiquette is one of the most relevant of social skills and the rules have changed very little over the generations. No evolution in cutlery technology has made it okay to wave a knife around at the table, but the evolution of the nuclear family does have an impact on our habits.

When TV dinners start replacing the traditional communal gathering, we have to be on our guard not to lose the skills appropriate to social dining. Lott says it’s these rules that make a dinner function in an enjoyable way.

“When we’re doing the right thing, everything is flowing smoothly,” she said. “Everyone knows what’s appropriate. Everyone knows which way we’re passing things. If someone’s talking, you don’t want to be leaning in front of them to grab something that’s on the opposite side of the table.

“It just makes the whole social interaction smoother and more enjoyable for everybody when everyone knows the common rules,” she said.

Mahony reminds us that knowing what to do at the table is not necessarily just an issue for the young.

“I had a fellow about 50 years old the other day in one of my classes,” he said. “He was there for etiquette on different things like how to set tables because obviously his wife, recently divorced, did it all for him. He didn’t know how to do it so he’s addressing the situation.”

Table basics may seem intuitive but not all the rules are second nature. When it comes to dining, nobody wants to be a bull in a china shop.

“Most things are common sense but knowing which bread and butter plate are yours and knowing which glass belongs to the person next to you can be tricky,” Lott said.

“There’re little handy tricks for learning things like that, like the BMW rule which is Bread, Meal, Water. Bread on the left, meal in the middle and water on the right,” she explained.

“Same with cutlery, it’s not common sense to everyone, but we do start from the outside and work our way in. If you know that rule, no matter how many forks are on the table, you start with the outside and work your way in with each course.”

When in Rome…

Showing respect and making others feel comfortable is what it’s all about, so following the cues of your company is a rule of thumb that goes far in etiquette. If you know the rules beforehand, it’s easy to adapt to situations which may be more or less formal because all the necessary skills are at your disposal.

“In cases where it clearly is appropriate to do what everyone is doing, and you feel unsure, you just need to be observant,” Lott advised. “Look around, see what people are doing and copy.”

The advantages of this social knowhow are many. Proper etiquette can have a huge impact on one’s confidence, self-esteem and personal magnetism.

“It tends to draw people to you if you show good etiquette,” Lott said. “You make other people feel good and they’ll want to be around you.

“It’s not a formal, strict set of rules. It’s not international protocol. It’s really common sense and consideration. Even if you don’t know the specific rules on certain things, if you think about what makes sense in this situation or what would make the people around you more comfortable, it’s very difficult to go wrong.”