Deck the halls with warring rellies

EVERYTHING has been going so well at lunch, and then as we get around to the gift giving all hell breaks loose. The bickering starts about whose gift is better and how much everyone spent, and after a few drinks, previous conflicts are raised, putting an unsavoury end to Christmas family celebrations.

This is not what Christmas is about, and SuperLiving spoke to psychologist Martin Hagger about how we can all get along this festive season and avoid the conflict and chaos at family celebrations. 

Sometimes we tend to get caught up in the material and commercial aspects of Christmas and tend to forget its true meaning. “Common causes of conflict include stress due to buying gifts, organising family gatherings and not planning properly,” Hagger said.

“Sharing a gathering with family members with whom one does not see eye-to-eye, or members with which one has had a run-in or a personal conflict, demands from children, pressure to conform in drinking and eating too much.

“Stressors often lead to one feeling an inability to cope and may lead to one snapping or taking out anger on others around.”

Hagger says there are a range of things people can do to avoid a chaotic Christmas.

A common issue that most of us will experience or come across at some point in time is inequity in gift giving over Christmas. These situations can be avoided if we set a cost limit for each present, as well as organising secret Santas. This way one side of the family does not end up spending more than the other.

Remember, Christmas it not about how many and how much your presents are worth.

“People can plan appropriately and also make a point of investing effort in resolving previous conflicts with other family members,” he said.

Don’t let the conflict fester; make an effort to resolve it rather than ignore it.

Salvation Army counselling service spokesperson Bram Cassidy says we should avoid digging up the past at family celebrations during the festive season. “Christmas may not be the best time to confront or expose problems,” he said. “There might be better times and places to do that.”

Cassidy says Christmas is a time to look for the best in your family and friends, so we should make an effort to look and speak to the very best in them.

“It is important, if you are organising a gathering, to employ the help of your partner or spouse, children and other family members and delegate specific tasks.”

Getting the family to help will reduce the stress on the organiser and will also make them feel more a part of the celebrations ahead. Be assertive if you need to get things done but not aggressive. “Being assertive also means that you exercise choice over what you say and what you don’t say,” Cassidy said.

“Make sure you have a lot of support, and if you are the host make sure the people around you know the amount of responsibilities you have,” he said. “But most of all have fun and make a conscious effort to do thing together as a family.”

The last thing we want on the day is to have to little or too much food or drink, which is why we need to plan.

“Make sure you plan well enough in advance and also what you will eat and drink on the day, so that you don’t find yourself eating or drinking too much on the day, the latter [drinking] is very important as a lot of conflicts arise when people are a little bit under the influence.”

Make the most of having family and loved ones around this Christmas and enjoy it – after all it is the season to be jolly.

For more advice or to speak to someone over the festive season about avoiding family or relationship conflict, counsellors at the Salvation Army counselling service will be available.